The little hedgehog can't give the mouse any food because he has already given food to less deserving animals...
Two illustrations in two years - it is going to take me a long time to produce my best-selling children's picture book, 'The little hedgehog who loved Christmas'.
Kent has been gridlocked, gridlocked I tell you!
My mum phoned this week and asked how I'd been getting to work. Mum and Dad live in Lancashire which is a long way from Kent and all they had been seeing on the news was the queues of traffic on the M20 and people moaning about the effect it was having on the whole of Kent.
Well, I assured her that I had been getting to work just fine. There was one evening, a few weeks ago, when it took me two hours to get home compared with my normal 25 minutes. And because I have been caught up with the whole frenzy of gridlocked Kent this led to me leaving early to get to work and then generally sailing across the bridges over the M20 and the M2 and rubbernecking at the lines of traffic there but not, in fact, actually being delayed at all. I was not gridlocked, gridlocked, I tell you!
So Operation Stack has not really bothered me that much. Bit sick of hearing people going on about it to be honest especially when it gives Britain First an excuse to come to Kent and start shouting at people in Folkestone.
But Operation Stack has thrown up one particular and shocking consequence.
That day I got stuck in traffic I was hungry and thirsty. I had the dregs of a 2 litre bottle of 20p diet coke in the car which just about kept me going. I know 20p diet coke sounds horrendous but it is, according to Sainsburys, made from entirely natural ingredients so it must be all right.
Carbonated Water, Barley Malt Extract, Flavourings (contains Caffeine), Acid: Phosphoric Acid; Hibiscus Concentrate, Carrot Concentrate, Apple Concentrate, Sweetener: Sucralose; Preservative: Potassium Sorbate.
Yum! All natural ingredients that you can just dig up out of the ground. Actually I've just read the label and it actually says that it's just the flavourings that are natural. What have I been poisoning myself with?
So, sitting in traffic drinking my hot basics diet cola I resolved that this was not to be borne. Oh no.
On that day, the shocking consequence of Operation Stack was that my evil fat brain wheedled its way into my good dieting brain and suggested to me the institution of Operation Snack.
Operation Snack: if anybody, anybody, suggests to me that my journey home may be delayed as a result of the police instituting Operation Stack, then Operation Snack must be implemented in which I stop at Sainsburys on the way home and buy a 2 litre bottle of 20p diet cola and a pack of crisps just in case, just in case!, I get stuck in traffic and feel a little bit hungry or thirsty.
So if I put on weight it is entirely because of migrant activity in the Channel Tunnel. Why don't they think of my welfare before they come over here fleeing oppression and war and whatnot?
You know how you have to be careful when talking about the existence of Santa? Over on Denise's blog, there are spoilers for young vampires...
Hi, I'm Andy, serial weight gainer. My year of dieting is over! But you can still give money to Shelter or the PDSA!