It's the same down the gym. Exercise is so boring! I'd quite like to be able to shut my eyes whilst exercising because the sight of other people (or myself in the mirror) exercising is just… bleugh! I feel that I have to tell you that I agonised over that ‘bleugh’ for ages. I tried to come up with a telling simile that would convey what I truly feel about watching exercising going on around me. My limited imagination spent some time thinking about it and eventually spat out the word ‘bleugh’ which fails on many counts. One, it is dull (don’t say as ditchwater –nobody likes a cliché) and two, it isn’t even a real word. And for a word that isn’t real, ridiculous though it is to say it, I’m not sure it’s spelt right.
To try to avoid having to look at other fools exercising I’ve recently taken to transferring episodes of Doctor Who from DVD to my Ipad so I can watch something other than Sky News repeating the same stuff again and again and again. I started on the Chris Ecc stuff, and then went back to some of the old classics, on account of I fancied watching some of the regeneration stories. So I’ve done Spearhead from Space, Robot and Castrovalva. Apologies to anybody (that will be everybody) not quite as interested in Dr Who as me, but you need to know that Dr Who is a vital part of my diet regime.
I’m not sure if watching Dr Who whilst not exercising would have the same beneficial effects, and at home there are other, more productive ways to spend time.
So, on my day off from work this week, I kept myself occupied in the morning by baking cupcakes and by pre-cooking a few meals. But in the afternoon, I felt a bit less dynamic so I went upstairs and sat down to do a bit of writing. I’d eaten one of the cupcakes and I knew that if I ate more than one cupcake I would be dangerously close to my limit for the day, so the cupcakes were in the fridge. I wouldn't normally have cake to eat in the afternoon, so why should I want it now. No, I was going to keep myself distracted by writing. It was going to be fine.
After I’d been typing away for a bit, a thin, reedy voice wafted up the stairs, slightly muffled on account of emanating from the fridge.
I tried to focus on my writing, ignoring the pleas from my stomach, to listen to the voices.
'It is so dark and cold. And there is half an onion in the sky above us. What manner of place is this?'
The voices quietened for a while as I became engrossed in the computer screen. Then, all of a sudden...
'WHY?' they shouted. 'Why make us, only to abandon us? What kind of cruel master are you?'
I pushed away from the keyboard and made my way down to the fridge. When I opened the fridge door, eleven cupcakes looked up at me, multi-coloured sprinkles agog.
'I created you,' I hissed at them, 'I can dispose of you as I wish!' I reached out to take one. They cowered at the awe-inspiring sight. Who would be the chosen one this afternoon?
But my willpower was strong, even though the cupcakes had called to me, I could resist. I picked a grape from the next shelf down, popped it in my mouth, then closed the fridge again
From inside my stomach, the grape grumbled. 'There was no call for that!'
I tried not to cackle. Once again, my willpower held firm.
Inside the fridge, one of the cupcakes shouted, 'You created us, man of evil! But we are free!'
I went back upstairs.
There was silence in the fridge.
Then a piece of celery in the chiller compartment said sadly, 'No, no we aren't.'
Denise looks over at me. 'Are you, all right?'
'Something I didn't eat disagreed with me. And I think maybe I watch too much Doctor Who.'