'Hello, Andy from the future! Hellooooo! Is it nice there? Have we got jet hover packs yet? We have? Fabulous!'
'Now then, I wanted a little chat about your planning for Christmas Day. I haven't missed it, have I? Good.'
'Here are the salient points...no, I don't really know what salient means either. Probably nothing to do with saline... Whatever, get back to the point...'
'On Christmas Day you will only want 2 roast potatoes. I know it sounds ridiculous...and for clarity this is 2 potatoes roasted, not two roast... you know what I mean?'
'You might want to consider making individual puddings so that you don't have loads left over, sitting in the fridge, laden with calories and staring at you.'
'You nearly got breakfast right, not too much left over, but the pain au chocolat were a bit much. Maybe just toast and crumpets this time?'
'And even though you will eat them, you aren't going to need cheese and biscuits at the end of the day and you definitely don't need crisps if you have cheese and biscuits.'
'Oh, and if somebody gives you a box of chocolates...just give them right back.'
'Yep, I reckon if you do all that then you won't wake up on Boxing Day 8 lbs heavier than you were on Christmas Eve.'
'And you won't be worrying about who exactly is going to be eating all the left over food.'
'Yes, I'll see you next year. No, I didn't get your card. Or your present. Well, I wasn't really expecting a present. A card would have been nice though. I know, it's this bloody postal service from the future. It's bloody useless. Coca Cola should never have bought the Royal Mail.'