1. On my twenty fifth birthday, or thereabouts, I went to a pub somewhere in Derbyshire. In order to make this story less sad I want to say that I went with my friend, Richard. However, I cannot attest to the truth of this. It is all too far in the dim and distant past. I can't think of any reason why I would have made an effort to go to some random country pub, on my birthday, on my own, in order to buy a single cigarette. Yes folks, like an idiot I once tried to take up smoking in order to lose weight. It did not succeed because, as you may be aware already, cigarettes are frankly, 'scuse my asterisked French, f***ing rank. So this plan did not work.
2. I bought a Playstation. The original, what might now be called a PSOne. Yes, I had the theory that I would play games so much that I would not have time to eat. But what, very predictably happened, is that I sat on my sofa playing Tomb Raider and eating junk food. So, amazingly, instead of becoming super-healthy I became a stereotypical fat loser playing videogames on a sofa surrounded by crumbs. Nice try, doofus!
3. Now, surely every fat person must have tried this one,and I don't mean to treat a serious health problem lightly, but I once had a go at bulimia. I know people who have suffered from this and so I know it is bloody stupid but still I gave it a go. This plan floundered because I was unable to make myself sick. Toothbrush down the back of the throat just made me gag. I tried drinking a strong saline solution (because this is one of the ways one is supposed to induce vomiting in dogs that have eaten something poisonous) but it just made me feel ill. And I was never going to try the other dog emetic -washing soda crystals on the tongue - I'm not a complete idiot. Oh, hang on a moment, given the evidence presented here, I am a complete idiot.