Yesterday, my step-granddaughter, Kayleigh, was round for dinner. She'd been to the shops with Denise and very kindly selected jacket potatoes and sausages for my dinner.
When I had finished dinner, feeling pretty full, and Kayleigh and Denise were only halfway through theirs, she asked me why I eat so fast.
'It is because,' I told her, 'where I come from there are goblins who steal the food off your plate if you don't eat it up quickly.'
Kayleigh looked at Denise for confirmation of this story. Denise gave a little shake of her head.
'Grandpa!' Kayleigh protested. Then she reached round herself and passed me something.
It was quite small. And invisible.
'Thank you!' I said, and gobbled it down in one go. Because I am greedy and this is how I got so fat. 'What was it?'
'It was one of my guys!' Kayleigh said. Only the other day, when we had been driving her to Port Lympne Wildlife Park she had told us that we were taking 147 of 'her guys' with us and that we could share a picnic. She had told us some of their names, but having eaten one of them, I could only remember one.
'Oops! Was it Peoplewig?' I asked.
All of a sudden I felt a movement in my throat, as Peoplewig grabbed a handful of my oesophagus and twisted. Really hard!
I coughed him right up into my hand. He stared at me in an annoyed way, dripping with saliva and assorted gastric juices.
'Do you want to try him?' I asked Denise.
'That is gross!'
'Sorry! I'll just pop him on the table.'
I put him where we could keep an eye on him, but he scuttled off leaving a trail of slimy footprints.
I think Kayleigh was relieved that he was all right.
But it is a lesson to me. I shouldn't eat just everything that's given to me. When you're full, you're full.