I don't know when this photo was taken, but once upon a time I was not an enormous fatty. I was getting there when I was at secondary school, but at primary school there are pictures of me looking positively thin.
Once a week we used to pile onto a coach which took us 5 miles down the road to the local swimming pool. I distinctly remember one of my classmates pointing out that my ribs were showing. I presume from this that I must have looked something like this.
Half mug of sugar
290mls full fat milk
Mix the ingredients in a mug. Stir until sugar is dissolved.
Eat quickly with a spoon, before your mum finds you being so stupid.
I know this recipe sounds stupid, so I'll give you an alternative version...
Half mug of sugar
2 slices of Warburtons thick-sliced white bread
Place the sugar between the slices of bread to make a sugar sandwich.
Eat quickly before your mum finds you being so stupid.
After a few years, I ended up looking like this. Already camera shy, not wanting to be papped and have my picture in Heat magazine looking fat.
But actually, I don't think I look that fat in this photo. And I was definitely in a part of my life when I was overweight. I already had a complex! Thank you so much!
Or, more likely, it looks like this is a self-portrait and I'm looking at the timer on the camera. I was too embarrassed to be seen in public with the book!
I'm not saying that I was miserable about it the whole time, though sometimes I was, and I don't want sympathy, but I wonder if I was really all that fat after all. I mean, I am now, and I don't have hair. I can't do anything about the hair but I can do something about the fat.
Actually, that's not true, I could do something about the hair, but a bald head isn't giving me high blood pressure, or making me at risk of diabetes. I just need to protect it from the sun. And I have a hat!