Well, here we are home again after a week away in Suffolk. And this is what I have learned:
1) if left to her own devices my Mum would subsist on a diet of toast and Marmite, bananas, rum and raisin icecream, Maltesers and Diet Coke.
2) My Mum can kill wasps with her bare hands! This, I feel, is not something to be recommended, but it afforded her a lot of joy as Official Waspinator. Unfortunately it also wrecked her potential career as a Buddhist monk. Karma may deem she be reincarnated as a wasp.
3) my Mum also has anger issues with flies and mobility scooters. And toast made from ciabatta bread which is NOT proper toast.
4) my son plays badminton in the style of football. Or possibly football in the style of badminton. Either way, I suspect his technique is tantamount to cheating and did little for the health of the shuttlecock.
5) there is a very high population of moles in Suffolk. Most of them living in the lawn of the cottage in which we stayed.
6) there are no cats in Suffolk. Or perhaps all the Suffolk cats were on holiday in Kent at the same time we were on holiday in Suffolk.
7) a third of an acre (the same size as the garden of the cottage in which we stayed) would be plenty big enough for us to grow veg, plant trees and keep hens on and therefore we can stop looking at houses to buy that have more than a third of an acre. But without the moles. Preferably.
8) people in Suffolk are lovely people! Calm, polite, enjoy a leisurely conversation, cheerful, helpful and smiley! Sometimes it was a quite unnerving experience. I kept wondering what the catch might be. There was no catch. That's just how they were.
9) the dog of choice in Suffolk seems to be 'spaniel.' Or scruffy terrier. Or a cross between a poodle and a sheep - which would, presumably, be a shoodle or a peep.
10) there are no traffic jams in Suffolk. There is plenty of strawberry jam. And cream. And scones as big as your head.
11) I was so relaxed I spent a ridiculous amount of money purchasing a hand-crafted pottery teapot and barely flinched as the cash till went 'Kerchingggg!!!' It is an excellent teapot. Provided it survives Taurus Andy it shall become 'Gran's Teapot Heirloom.'
12) my Number 1 granddaughter is pants at making jigsaw puzzles but learned to throw a frisbee without slicing off anyone at either the ankle or the neck.
13) my Number 2 granddaughter is VERY smiley!
14) Andy should win an award for being 'Patient and Entertaining Grandpa of the Decade.'
15) my daughter is a fab daughter, house sitter, chicken whisperer and cat carer.
16) I would quite like a Suffolk Punch horse.
And that, dear chums, is about it! It's nice to go away but it's good to be home.