Having spent a few days in the virtual company of Rosemary 'Hip 'n' Thigh' Conley I feel I am now in a position to offer some companion advice to go alongside her 'Ultimate Body Workout' DVD. Here, then, are my Top Tips for Swinging Your Stuff With Rosemary.
1) Before you start, clear room of ALL cats, especially ones who will suddenly decide that the space you are working out in is THE most comfortable place to settle in the ENTIRE house and will stare at you reproachfully if you tread on them yet will steadfastly refuse to move.
2) Remember that you are NOT exercising in a faux Tuscan villa of extreme and roomy proportions á la Rosemary DVD studio set, but in a diddy suburban semi living room with a sofa to the left, a sofa behind and an armchair to the right.
3)...and that the ceiling is relatively low and there is a dangly light fitting directly above your head.
4) Even though your living room window looks directly onto a main road, resist the urge to close the curtains whilst exercising. Be proud that you are swinging your stuff! Show the world you are getting down with the Rosemary groove! Especially those lazy oiks who pass by on the bus every ten minutes when they are perfectly within walking distance of town. If they stare at you as they pass by, wave! With how many fingers is totally up to you.
5) Remember that performing a figure of eight with your arms should be executed with balletic elegance and NOT look like you are flailing wildly to fend off an attack of hornets.
6) When Rosemary calls on you to 'swing and lift,' she is referring to your arms and NOT your bosoms.
7)...make sure, then, that you dig out that anti-gravity bolster holster that you bought three years ago when you had the crazy idea you might like to have a go at jogging. You see, it came in useful eventually, and not just as a fancy hanger for your grapefruits.
8) Be aware that on occasion Rosemary may issue a random command like, 'Now...POLKA!' It will take you by surprise at first but just go along with it. Polka? Why not??
9) The countdown clock on the screen can be useful to measure the amount of torture...er, workout there is still remaining but it is best to ignore it as far as possible because at some point, when you think you've only got 7 minutes to go, it WILL re-set itself and you'll find you have, in fact, got 20 minutes left to do. Either that or your brain is suffering oxygen deprivation, in which case it might be best to stop, eat cake and go and stand in the garden and stare at your lovely veg plants.
10) If you have a PowerSpin to tame your arms back to their youthful sleekness, then it is best to do the workout with that first. If you leave it until post-Rosemary you will fail abysmally because you will be a quivering wreck with arms unable to lift a very thin wafer let alone a transparent tube containing a very heavy ball, especially over your head whilst keeping it spinning at the same time.
11) Remember that you can follow Rosemary and be inspired by Rosemary but you can never BE Rosemary. Not unless you lose 5 stones in weight and 4 inches in height. Admire, but know your limitations. And regardless of height and weight, you're a fab person in your own right. And at least you don't have to release non-stop exercise videos and look like you actually enjoy doing them.