Old Moore's Almanac - eat your heart out 'cos you ain't got NOTHING on this hen!
January: this year, January will start on 31st December in order for those who are always behind time to catch up with themselves. For those who are well organised, 2015 will start on 2nd January giving all those punctual souls an extra day to do with as they wish. Hurrah! Camels are deemed especially lucky at the start of a new year - your lucky camel for 2015 is sopwith.
As January progresses, new growth in all areas will occur, but mostly in that grotty corner of the ill-advised wet room installed to hose down the labradors, so get in there with the anti-mould spray and scrubber before it is too late. Those looking to make financial investments should consider putting all their cash into mattresses. The returns will be minimal but assets will be safe (including all novelty jim-jams), and as a bonus, queues at cash machines will be avoided.
February - ahhh...l'amour! And the message for February is l'amour you want, l'amour you'll get! Yes! Now is the time to stiffen your girdles and jazz up those eye-lashes. Beware the dark stranger with the high-pitched voice - it is probably your husband getting dressed in the dark and attempting to squeeze himself into a pair of ten year old boxers. As we move from Aquarius to Pisces, your lucky trip will be fishing and your lucky lobster - thermidor. Not a terribly auspicious time for vegetarians so those who eschew all things carnivore, you'd be best to supplement your diet with meringues, cheesy baked potatoes and toffee apples.
March - a busy time for family celebrations. Best hide until it is all over. Lucky cat - Mandu.
April - is busting out all over. Now is a good time to tackle health issues, like seeing the doctor about your inability to touch your toes and that annoying little itch you've had on the back of your neck just below your collar line. New EU regulations will come into force banning all scratchy labels in clothing, especially the ones with sizes on them. It will become law for ALL clothing labels to be removed by the end of June so best do it now and forget you were ever a size or two bigger than you thought you were. The obesity crisis will come to an end and rashes will clear up. Lucky stone - flint.
May - some babies will be born and planetary population will increase although scientists will have trouble connecting these two events. This will cause the earth's axis to lean ever-so-slighty closer to the sun, so grab those sombreros and break out the sunblock and deckchairs! A new breed of dog will become popular - forget your labradoodles and your cockerpoos - fashionistas will be after the new season's pooch a la mode - the colliehuabull (pronounced 'collywobble' if you haven't already worked it out.) A heady mix of collie, chihuahua and bulldog it will look peculiar, cost packets of dosh and be prone to fits of lunatic behaviour but it's the prestige that counts, isn't it? Lucky cheese - Mucky Sal's Blue Vein - Lucky Wine - 'Why is it ALWAYS me that has to take the bin out?'
June - as we head towards the Summer Solstice there will be many revelations in the celebrity world. Bruce Forsyth will become the surprise newest member of One Direction, his being 'forward with a slow shuffle.' The Queen will release an album of her greatest hits and Mick Hucknall will reveal he is no longer simply red but a socialist. Your lucky stone is henge. Further news revealed in this turbulent time: Tesco will wake up in the shower to find it was all a horrible dream, Kent will finally break off from its corner of the UK under the weight of all the extra housing being built and macrame will stage a dramatic revival in the world of cutting edge kitchen equipment.
And now, specific predictions for the first six horological sun signs:
Aries: don't go around upsetting any more people. Just don't, eh? No one likes an attention seeker.
Taurus: a good year for entering baking competitions. Be careful of sharp edges, heavy objects and Irish people with delusions of grandeur.
Gemini: Time to open a can of 'Toughen Up' and make a few life decisions. Both of you.
Cancer: admit you don't like sea-food and you will be saved a lot of aggravation in May, June, July and August involving a walrus and a carpenter.
Leo: lots of painting and decorating on the horizon for you in 2015. Think pale pink and soft green. But no grey, unless you are renovating a submarine or an elephant. And even then, pink is preferable.
Virgo: time to design that new range of stationery you've been thinking about! Tidy out the cupboards before they burst and reveal a little too much about your collection of gonks.
Part Two tomorrow...with any luck!